I cannot wait for this Christmas shopping season to be over. The days are chaotic. Not once, but twice a female holiday shopper has became so enraged when her cart was hit by another shopper that she felt it was necessary to fight the other person. Actual fights! With real blood! And the nights are boring. You know who's shopping at midnight? No one. Oh, there are people in the store but they're mostly stealing stuff or breaking things or masturbating in the bathroom. They're not buying anything. So good call Walmart on being open til midnight and subjecting me to intense boredom and late night department store depravity.
The kid working in electronics was bored too so he stopped by to visit me in the underwear section. To pass the time, I taught him how to do a bra fitting. He seemed genuinely interested and I think he was surprised to learn that it involved actual measuring. By the way he was talking, I think he had envisioned more of "feel and guess" type situation. Crazy kids! Then he wanted me to time him to see how fast he could de-bra all the mannequins. So that took up a couple more minutes...and it only took that long because I had to explain the front closure bra. That is a tricky one. It felt good to be teaching a young person important life skills.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Make a Colour Impact!
Remember when I wrote about The Colour Story, a deeply complicated system for arranging clothing so that it is both pleasing to the eye and reminiscent of a favourite childhood tale? Well, forget about that! That is sooo last week! Now it's all about Colour Impact. While with The Colour Story, you alternate between two complementary colours, with Colour Impact you use many colours to create a colour explosion. It's less about using the colours to tell a story and more about surprising the eye with a unexpected colour twist. At least that's how it was explained to me by my boss recently.
Looking at the sample wall she had just arranged using these new principles, I thought I understood.
"So it's just completely random."
"No."
I waited for further details. When it became clear none were forthcoming, I searched her face for signs she would eventually tire of trying to teach me new things. And for a second I saw a glimmer of someone who wasn't all "I love my job" and "What we do here is important". I believe I saw a glimpse of an actual rational human being. I saw someone who, like me, feels deep rage knowing that someone at corporate headquarters is actually drawing a salary to come up with this colour garbage.
Now, I can't have her turning into a sympathetic, relatable person. That would ruin my day. Doesn't she know she's a recurring character in my blog and now that Shorty's gone she's the sole antagonist?
Not to worry. She didn't disappoint me. Before she went home for the day she left me with final instructions to "keep the colours flowing". WTF? If we hadn't just spent half the day on this colour bullshit, I'd probably have assumed she was inviting me to meet her out behind the store for a hit of acid. (I suspect my drug slang is out of date, but I'm not sure what the kids are calling it these days.)
In other colour news, guess who won't be making a Colour Impact? Employees at your local Walmart come February 2010, that's who. For over a year now, there have been rumblings that there will be a new dress code requiring that everyone wear black pants and a white shirt. You know, so Walmart can maintain its classy image.
Many of my colleagues don't seem to be nearly as outraged as I am, so I have been taking every opportunity to plant seeds of discontent citing impracticality and cost as suitable reasons for an uprising.
I'd really like to stand my ground on this dress code issue. If I only had to contend with my boss, I'm sure I could hold out; I delight in defying her. But the matter would eventually rise to the attention of our new store manager who is impossibly adorable. If he smiled and said please, I'd probably agree to wear a grass skirt and a bra made from a coconut shell.
Looking at the sample wall she had just arranged using these new principles, I thought I understood.
"So it's just completely random."
"No."
I waited for further details. When it became clear none were forthcoming, I searched her face for signs she would eventually tire of trying to teach me new things. And for a second I saw a glimmer of someone who wasn't all "I love my job" and "What we do here is important". I believe I saw a glimpse of an actual rational human being. I saw someone who, like me, feels deep rage knowing that someone at corporate headquarters is actually drawing a salary to come up with this colour garbage.
Now, I can't have her turning into a sympathetic, relatable person. That would ruin my day. Doesn't she know she's a recurring character in my blog and now that Shorty's gone she's the sole antagonist?
Not to worry. She didn't disappoint me. Before she went home for the day she left me with final instructions to "keep the colours flowing". WTF? If we hadn't just spent half the day on this colour bullshit, I'd probably have assumed she was inviting me to meet her out behind the store for a hit of acid. (I suspect my drug slang is out of date, but I'm not sure what the kids are calling it these days.)
In other colour news, guess who won't be making a Colour Impact? Employees at your local Walmart come February 2010, that's who. For over a year now, there have been rumblings that there will be a new dress code requiring that everyone wear black pants and a white shirt. You know, so Walmart can maintain its classy image.
Many of my colleagues don't seem to be nearly as outraged as I am, so I have been taking every opportunity to plant seeds of discontent citing impracticality and cost as suitable reasons for an uprising.
I'd really like to stand my ground on this dress code issue. If I only had to contend with my boss, I'm sure I could hold out; I delight in defying her. But the matter would eventually rise to the attention of our new store manager who is impossibly adorable. If he smiled and said please, I'd probably agree to wear a grass skirt and a bra made from a coconut shell.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Help Me With My Homework
Only four days left until I'm on vacation. I hadn't really thought about it until today when my boss, in a moment of uncharacteristic cordiality, asked me if I was excited about my upcoming trip. Suddenly realizing I wouldn't have to see her for an entire ten days, I was excited. I was ecstatic! And I made the mistake of saying so. I should have known better than to express joy.
Turns out it's time for my yearly review and I have to assess my performance using a questionnaire and checklist. Having me fill this out is a joke. We both know I'm horrible. I haven't improved in any areas. I haven't reached any goals. The only one I had was to not be working at Walmart anymore. Apparently I'm supposed to reflect on the past year and score myself in categories like hating unions and rolling back prices. Then I have to add up all my scores and divide by three, or something. I have to do math! With that in mind, I guess I already know what my score is going to be. Every item is scored out of five so...
-Consults and cooperates with the safety committee. We have a safety committee? Who knew? 5 out of 5.
-Meets deadlines. Ha! As if this was a real job with real deadlines. One time there was a sign on the fridge in the staff room saying the fridges would be cleaned the following Tuesday and to remove any of your belongings you didn't want thrown out. I missed that deadline and they threw out my yogurt. Whatever. 5 out of 5.
-Uses or wears protective equipment or devices as required. I put on rubber gloves when I have to touch clothes that ugly people have tried on. 5 out of 5.
-Exhibits sense of urgency. When it's time for my break, I make it clear to customers that it's extremely urgent that I get the hell out of there. ASAP. 5 out of 5.
-Asks questions. Why are we always so understaffed? How come we don't get any benefits? Who do I have to sleep with around here to get a raise? 5 out of 5.
-Works in a manner that does not endanger themselves or others. Every day that I don't cut someone is a good day. 5 out of 5.
Turns out it's time for my yearly review and I have to assess my performance using a questionnaire and checklist. Having me fill this out is a joke. We both know I'm horrible. I haven't improved in any areas. I haven't reached any goals. The only one I had was to not be working at Walmart anymore. Apparently I'm supposed to reflect on the past year and score myself in categories like hating unions and rolling back prices. Then I have to add up all my scores and divide by three, or something. I have to do math! With that in mind, I guess I already know what my score is going to be. Every item is scored out of five so...
-Consults and cooperates with the safety committee. We have a safety committee? Who knew? 5 out of 5.
-Meets deadlines. Ha! As if this was a real job with real deadlines. One time there was a sign on the fridge in the staff room saying the fridges would be cleaned the following Tuesday and to remove any of your belongings you didn't want thrown out. I missed that deadline and they threw out my yogurt. Whatever. 5 out of 5.
-Uses or wears protective equipment or devices as required. I put on rubber gloves when I have to touch clothes that ugly people have tried on. 5 out of 5.
-Exhibits sense of urgency. When it's time for my break, I make it clear to customers that it's extremely urgent that I get the hell out of there. ASAP. 5 out of 5.
-Asks questions. Why are we always so understaffed? How come we don't get any benefits? Who do I have to sleep with around here to get a raise? 5 out of 5.
-Works in a manner that does not endanger themselves or others. Every day that I don't cut someone is a good day. 5 out of 5.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
You're a Shining Star
It's awards season at Walmart. Nominations are now being collected for the coveted Shining Star Award which rewards excellence in customer service and not getting fired. Rumours have been circulating that this year's winner will have their photo taken and then the photo will be taped to a star cut out of yellow construction paper. If the budget allows, the star will have glitter on it. God, I want it so bad I can taste it! The walls of the staff lounge are plastered with dozens of glowing recommendations and believe it or not, there's not a single one for me! Obviously my boss has been going through the nominations and throwing out all of mine. She simply refuses to let me shine. Until my nominations start rolling in, I have been reading obsessively what makes my chosen co-workers sooooo special. A common phrase in many of the nominator's testimonials is "goes above and beyond". No one can tell me I don't go above and beyond! How many times have I been working in the lingerie department when an old lady comes up to me and says, "I need you to help me find a certain bra." I am very polite, "And which bra is that?""This one" and they hoist their shirt up. If, by some miracle, I am able to stare long enough to identify the bra they're wearing and then find it in the store, I still have to deal with the inevitable "be a dear and check what size I'm wearing". I am not equipped with tongs or a long stick or anything to retrieve these measurements. Feeling up seniors = "above and beyond". If someone asks me to check the size on their underwear, I stand behind them, poke them with a hanger and just guess.
"Team player" also apparently describes many of the nominees. I'm sure I must have, at some point, described myself as a team player to get this job. I may have even believed it was true. But in reality, I once refused to cover for the door greeter because it's cold by the door, even though she's 73 and needed to take her pills.
It's okay. I don't want their stupid Shining Star Award anyway. No, I'm serious. I really don't.
According to Walmart, there are Five Principles of Apparel. As a fashion sales associate, I should know what they are and apply them to my work. I even have a badge that lists all the principles and snaps conveniently behind my name tag. I've actually only used the badge once- to pick broccoli out of my teeth, but I guess I must have skimmed over the words because something my boss said the other day sounded familiar. She said, "Kathleen, has anyone ever taught you about The Color Story?" Showing a Color Story - it was Principle #4 on my almost totally useless badge. If she was surprised to hear that I hadn't managed to pick up this very basic information over the course of two and a half years she hid it well. As a ten year Walmart management veteran she's naturally very practiced in dealing with incompetence and apathy.
She started out in the women's junior section showing me how the shirts along the wall alternate between purple and green and then how each rack showcases these colors on the ends, purple, green, purple, green.
"Ok, purple, green, purple, green. Got it."
"Good"
"So what's The Story?"
"That's it. That's The Color Story."
Now maybe I should have known better than to expect anything more. But when I hear "story" I'm expecting a little drama, a plotline at the very least. I'm no English major, oh wait, yes I am, and so I think I know a story when I hear one. And purple, green, purple, green is not a story.
"So...it's really more of a color scheme than a color story."
"Yes. A color scheme or a color story."
This didn't sit well with me at all. So...
Quiet and reflective, Purple tended to go unnoticed. That is, until the day Green came along. Purple and Green had much in common and complemented each other beautifully. They fell easily in love.
Purple's mother, Red was horrified when she found out about Purple's relationship with Green. She demanded Purple stop seeing him immediately. This only made Purple want him more.
Purple and Green had been seeing each other for some time when she visited his home for the first time and was introduced to his parents, Blue and Yellow. When Red heard about this meeting, she sat Purple down and told her they needed to have a talk.
"Purple, before you were born I lead a very colorful life. I left home very young because I clashed with my folks. I wanted to escape. I think I tried every drug in the spectrum...it's not important now. But I got mixed up with a lot of different characters, including Green's father. Purple, there's no easy way to tell you this. Blue is your father."
"But that means..."
"Yes. Green is your brother."
That's a color story.
"Team player" also apparently describes many of the nominees. I'm sure I must have, at some point, described myself as a team player to get this job. I may have even believed it was true. But in reality, I once refused to cover for the door greeter because it's cold by the door, even though she's 73 and needed to take her pills.
It's okay. I don't want their stupid Shining Star Award anyway. No, I'm serious. I really don't.
According to Walmart, there are Five Principles of Apparel. As a fashion sales associate, I should know what they are and apply them to my work. I even have a badge that lists all the principles and snaps conveniently behind my name tag. I've actually only used the badge once- to pick broccoli out of my teeth, but I guess I must have skimmed over the words because something my boss said the other day sounded familiar. She said, "Kathleen, has anyone ever taught you about The Color Story?" Showing a Color Story - it was Principle #4 on my almost totally useless badge. If she was surprised to hear that I hadn't managed to pick up this very basic information over the course of two and a half years she hid it well. As a ten year Walmart management veteran she's naturally very practiced in dealing with incompetence and apathy.
She started out in the women's junior section showing me how the shirts along the wall alternate between purple and green and then how each rack showcases these colors on the ends, purple, green, purple, green.
"Ok, purple, green, purple, green. Got it."
"Good"
"So what's The Story?"
"That's it. That's The Color Story."
Now maybe I should have known better than to expect anything more. But when I hear "story" I'm expecting a little drama, a plotline at the very least. I'm no English major, oh wait, yes I am, and so I think I know a story when I hear one. And purple, green, purple, green is not a story.
"So...it's really more of a color scheme than a color story."
"Yes. A color scheme or a color story."
This didn't sit well with me at all. So...
Quiet and reflective, Purple tended to go unnoticed. That is, until the day Green came along. Purple and Green had much in common and complemented each other beautifully. They fell easily in love.
Purple's mother, Red was horrified when she found out about Purple's relationship with Green. She demanded Purple stop seeing him immediately. This only made Purple want him more.
Purple and Green had been seeing each other for some time when she visited his home for the first time and was introduced to his parents, Blue and Yellow. When Red heard about this meeting, she sat Purple down and told her they needed to have a talk.
"Purple, before you were born I lead a very colorful life. I left home very young because I clashed with my folks. I wanted to escape. I think I tried every drug in the spectrum...it's not important now. But I got mixed up with a lot of different characters, including Green's father. Purple, there's no easy way to tell you this. Blue is your father."
"But that means..."
"Yes. Green is your brother."
That's a color story.
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