For the Children!

It is performance review time at Wal-Mart, for me at least, since I am one year into a sentence of indeterminate length. I was given the opportunity to fill out an evaluation for myself, but I just didn't care enough to put any heart into it. I handed it into my boss at the last minute. I gave myself the highest score in every category, under Achievements and Goals I wrote "not applicable" and that was that. I didn't think she'd actually look at it. She values her own opinion far too much. Once you've lost respect for your superiors and don't care if you get fired, you can pretty much do whatever you want so when she surprised me and asked about my lack of goals I said, "There's not really anything I want to improve on. I think I pretty much reached a plateau after my second week." She stared at me a while, either because she was shocked by my insolence or because she didn't know what plateau meant. It's hard to say; her emotions are not like our human emotions. She finished off the evaluation and approved my raise (now I can buy that beach house). Her assessment of my job performance was not nearly as generous as mine. She suggested I work on my punctuality. It's true I'm often 5, 10, 30 minutes late. But she didn't mention how I always sneak out early so I intend to continue doing that. She also reminded me of Wal-Mart's 3 meter rule: Smile and greet every customer who comes within 3 meters. This, unfortunately, is in direct conflict with my number 1 rule: Never engage the enemy. And I enjoy the challenge of always trying to stay at least 3 meters away from everyone. So I just moved my head noncommittally in response.

I volunteered for the Wal-Mart Walk for Miracles in support of children's charities this past Sunday. I was designated part of the tear-down crew, which sounds like fun but is, of course, just Wal-Mart speak for picking up garbage and stacking folding chairs. Sort of like how "party" is Wal-Mart speak for someone bringing in a box of Timbits but by the time you get there all the good ones are gone and there's just those plain ones left. Those plain Timbits are worse than no Timbits at all especially when you see someone else with their mouth so full of the delicious chocolate Timbits they can't talk. Anyway, I volunteered for the same reason everyone volunteers for these things: to meet attractive singles with kind hearts and good morals. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man at a charity event, must be in want of a date. I guess I didn't really think about the fact that all the other volunteers would be people from work, all with whom I was already more than sufficiently acquainted. When I left home it was sunny, as I traveled downtown the sky was darkening, and by the time I arrived at the Walk it was raining. With all that ominous meteorological foreshadowing, I was not surprised at all when I signed in at the volunteer tent and met up with the rest of my crew. One of the organizers introduced me, "Kathleen, your team leader will be your mortal enemy, Her Majesty, the Queen of Wal-Mart, your boss Donna!" AHHHHH! She actually said "Kathleen, you know Donna." I try to do something nice for the sick kids, or abandoned puppies or whatever the hell charity this was and this is what I get in return? Why could I not have been partnered with that pervert from Automotive who yells "Nice ass!" every time I walk by or that weird new girl from the pet department who spent her entire lunch break one day sketching me in her notebook? What these people lack in tact and sanity, they make up for in their dedication to me. And so we have at least that in common. The only thing Donna and I have in common is that we both like it when I'm not at work. She did behave herself for the most part though and the Walk was a success. My sneakers are still drying out from the water damage they sustained and my arms ache from loading five million gallons of beverages into a van. I hope those kids are happy.