Unmentionables

Stop reading right here if you don't want to learn more about women's underwear. As a professional in the fashion industry, it's my job to be in the know about such things and I thought everyone would want to know that Wal-mart now carries panties with heavily padded butt cheeks to make your butt look bigger. I didn't realize such a thing existed. I've never seen them in lingerie stores. Usually by the time fashions reach Wal-Mart, they're pretty mainstream but these bootylicious panties are causing quite a stir. Children giggle at them, old people are confused by them, college kids want their picture taken with them. I can't say for sure if anyone's been buying them. One girl who bought a pair told me she falls a lot when she's drinking and always wakes up with a bruised behind so these foam bums would be perfect. Another woman, a bartender, thought she might wear a pair to work and maybe men would stop pinching her butt if they found it was fake. I think they all feel the need to come up with some practical reason, when really they just want to look like J Lo. The woman I work with in the lingerie department is called Patricia and goes by 'Tish' for short. The day we got those panties in, I accidentally called her 'Tush' twice.

In other disturbing underwear news, I learned something new about a regular customer who often calls the store. The caller is a distinguished sounding elderly lady who wants to know what kind of thigh-highs we carry. I know the drill; this same lady has called several times before always with the same question. I suspected she was just lonely or maybe had some kind of age-related memory loss. I always go along with it because it's just a couple of minutes out of my day. Once I had the thigh-highs in hand, a typical conversation with her usually went something like this:

-LADY: Can you take them out of the package? Are they silky?
----ME: OK. Yeah, they're silky.
-LADY: Are you touching them now?
----ME: Yep. They're pretty silky.
-LADY: Is there lace?
----ME: Yes. There's lace around the top.
-LADY: What do you think, would you wear them?
----ME: Sure.
-LADY: What would you wear with them?
----ME: I think they'll stay up by themselves but you could wear a garter belt.

Now read it again, this time with the knowledge that instead of talking to an old lady with memory loss, I'm actually talking to a pervy man trying to sound like a woman. Here I thought I was providing excellent customer service when the whole time I was engaged in dirty talk with a stranger. It seems most of my co-workers had also talked to "her" several times but they had caught on to his game right away. No one bothered to tell me. This scenario was not covered in our sexual harassment training. I plan to use it when I bargain for a raise arguing that I could be getting paid a lot more for those services at other places. For now I guess I'll just suck it up, practice, and include these new talents in the Communication Skills portion of my resume.

Why I Get Paid Minimum Wage

There was an episode of The Office this season where Pam (the receptionist) had to write down, hour by hour, everything her boss Michael did to see if he actually did anything at all. I thought about what I did in a typical 5 hour shift and began to understand why my boss hates me. Today was a particularly unproductive day.

5:35pm- arrive at work 5 minutes late
5:45pm- meeting with co-workers to discuss how many people called in sick today and what might be wrong with them/general bitching and complaining: 15 minutes
6:00pm- cheer up co-worker crying in the bathroom: 20 minutes
6:20pm- shop for digital cameras in electronics department: 15 minutes
6:45pm- try to exlain to size 14 woman why size 6 jeans do not fit her (unsuccessful): 8 minutes
7:00pm- stand at fitting room and chat with co-worker about our boss, movies, our hair, Facebook, and shoes : 60 minutes
8:00pm- mandatory 15 minute break: 28 minutes
8:30pm- fold shirts: 20 minutes
8:50pm- hide in fitting room from manager who may try to train me to use cash register. Clean mirrors while I'm in there: 10 minutes
9:00pm- push empty shopping carts to the front of the store: 10 minutes
9:10pm- unofficial break to take tylenol and apply eye drops: 10 minutes
9:20pm- rate male co-workers on scale of "hot" to "not" with fellow ladieswear staff: 25 minutes
9:50pm- run around like crazy trying to make it look like I did some work: 20 minutes
10:15pm- leave 15 minutes early to catch bus