Happy Anniversary

Work was incredibly boring Wednesday. Luckily I was drunk for most of it. I certainly don't approve of workplace drunkenness; I just had too much wine at Janet's birthday lunch. Given the nature of the work I do, I'm sure the only consequence was that the sweaters weren't folded as neatly as they usually are. Also my co-worker Lynn, who was high on Benadryl talked me into going out back to search for the guy she likes which I normally wouldn't have done. We didn't find him, but we did chat with a foul-mouthed stock boy and took candy from a toothless truck unloader. The girl covering for us said we were gone half an hour but I don't think that's true.

I finally have a Wal-mart stalker. It was starting to get embarassing; pretty much everyone here has at least one stalker. Toby from electronics has an elderly woman. Lynn from ladieswear has a middle aged man who brings her coffee. Noelle from ladieswear has a teenaged former employee who was recently fired for being stoned on the job. Harley from electronics has a group of skanky love-sick teenage girls. My stalker is an "artist" from Montreal. He came into the store on Saturday at 8am with a knapsack full of drawings and asked me to watch them while he went to the washroom (probably to do some crack). When he came back he wanted to know which drawing was my favorite. I found most of them disturbing but finally settled on one of a little girl sitting on Santa's lap. He autographed it for me and included his email address. I told him I had to leave and he didn't have an outburst or stab me so I count it as a positive encounter.

As a testament to my impeccable timing, I was on lingerie duty last week when the infamous Phone Pervert finally made a personal appearance. The Phone Pervert is just the latest in a string of weirdos we deal with on a regular basis. We suspect he's too cheap to pay for phone sex so he gets his kicks by calling his local Wal-mart and asking naughty questions disguised as wardrobe questions. Normally he gets a polite apology that we don't have what he's looking for but he really hit the jackpot when he struck up a conversation with the new girl in the infant department. Nadine, a frumpy girl with a face like a Siamese cat and a knack for boring me to death with stories about her mother-in-law, actually turns out to be quite the freak and talked to the Phone Pervert for half an hour asking detailed questions and offering suggestions. This excited him so much he decided to come in in person, where I was lucky enough to be the one fielding his questions about groin restricting undergarments. I think he was pleased with my calm professional demeanor and left with a slimy smirk on his face. I hightailed it back to the fitting room where my supportive co-workers were concealed in the back room still recovering from fits of hysterical laughter.

It was one year ago that I was first hired at Wal-mart. If I'm very, very good, I'll get a 30 cent raise. I feel I'm owed much, much more.